Cat's Paper Pregnant Blog: 20 Fingers Closer

A lovely man named Nate took our fingerprints this morning, and now we're that much closer.

[newyorknews07]

Great Story

[Brian]

When you encounter supportive staff in any of the bureaucratic agencies it's a tremendous help. It's all part of the paper pregnancy. When in doubt, Ben and Jerry are always around to help out.

Thanks for sharing!!!

Brian

[Robin - MotherhoodLater]

Cat.
I think it's great that you are sharing your adoption experiences. It can be a challenging process. My son is adopted, and I have a number of friends who have adopted and are themselves adopted. A close friend of mine and her husband are now pursuing domestic adoption, after being turned down internationally due to age, and they are struggling with all that is required paperwork-wise, etc. It's a shame the process isn't easier and more affordable. I am offering them emotional support as best I can as someone who has been there/done that. But, we actually got scammed early on when we first began the adoption process. It was horrible, as you can imagine. Many lawyers ultimately became involved, and we lost years and money dealing with the matter.
I have since founded Motherhood Later...Than Sooner -- for those parenting later in life. I became a mom at 42, and many who adopt are often "Later" moms. Thought you might like to know of our site/community, www.motherhoodlater.com . And, perhaps it would interest your readers and viewers.
I wish you all the best with your efforts to have a family!!
Robin

[cat]

Hi Robin,
Thanks for reading, and writing in.
Please have your friend get in touch with me and hopefully i can help her out with some of her questions on domestic adoption. Our adoption counselor Caren Peete has been invaluable to us, so if she'd like to reach out to her directly, her email is: [e-mail].

Can't wait to check out your site!
thanks, cat

[Rose]

Father in German is Vater, and Dad/Daddy is Vati (Fahtee)

[Rose]

My mom told me to check out your site. I'm 35, single and in the process of getting my dossier together to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. It IS a lot of "hurry up and wait", but I have to occupy my time getting fingerprinted, signing my name in front of notaries, and reading adoption books. Can't wait to hear how your story unfolds, and to share how mine does too!!

[Jen]

I am single and with a toddler and three cats, you learn very fast how to do things with one hand on the babe, one hand carrying 40 lbs of stuff, a foot to hold the door, your bum to hold open the fridge....

The minute the baby is placed in your arms the rest falls into place like you have been doing it forever.

[doglover]

I have to say i went to adoption mama and it lifted my spirts. My sister in law just gave birth and it was hard to still be waiting..I went to adoption mama and got myself some fun shirts. I wore them to my job (high school teacher in Brooklyn Ny) and my kids (students) started asking me what "Paper Pregnant" meant, i explained and now my future son has 10 to 15 future God fathers and mothers. I may not have the belly but i have the love. My referral came in 5 days after my shirts arrived. I know I am adopting my own baby boy but I feel like I have been adopted by another family myself. It is wonderful to share the experience with others, especially my students. Thanks for all the support and encouragement.

[cat]

wow - that says A LOT about how much your students love you!
congratulations, and good luck with your baby. please keep us posted on your progress.
and thanks, also, to everyone who's been sharing stories and tips on how to make this whole thing work. you all are helping my husbnad and me feel more comfortable, and we are very grateful.
thanks! cat

[Nancy B]

As a writer who started working in 1978, my favorite line from my young (7 and 10 yrs.)kids is, "What's a typewriter?" We worry a bit about technology's place in our personal world of many books and lots of outdoor playtime, but, yes, the kids have to have the e-stuff...within reason.

We know families whose children are allowed no TV, no home pc, no elec. games, etc. I think it is hard enough for kids to get along with their peers when they share the same personal references, let alone are excluded from the typical TV shows, portable video game gear, etc. I hope idealistic parents like these strive to live more realistically in our e-world as their children grow, surely there will be less rebellion and fewer secret internet travels to deal with later if you handle e-issues when the kids are young and still willing to listen to Mom and Dad!

[Brian]

Cat,

The good thing is at age 1 they will have an early bed time (likely 8:00) so you will probably only have to worry about it for about an hour. I think you will be fine and ready to handle things. Just follow your gut and enjoy the time. Diapers are not as bad as you may think. Not so hard to do either. Of course my wife threw me into the deep end of the pool when it came to it so I HAD to get used to it very quickly.

Brian

[Nancy B]

Babies are all different and fall quickly into their own rhythms. As long as your schedule can adapt to their little routines, you will both be happy. So much for the first baby!

Number two will never be anything like number one, so nothing that worked with number one will help you. My first used to carry around a pacifier in each hand with a third in his mouth, my second never used one. My first never slept more than 20 min. at a time for naps, two hours at night, when he slept the first time for five hours at night I stood for hours by his bassinet with my hand gently resting on his little chest to make sure his heart was still beating.

My second came along and basically slept six or more hours the first night I brought her home and napped for three hours every afternoon, no morning nap, from day one. This was great because my 3 1/2 yr. old got lots of mommy time in the afternoon and we all could sleep at night.

I never could understand self-soothing, I loved holding my babies and sometimes we all slept together. My children are very sweet and loving and started sleeping wonderfully all night at reasonable ages, I truly believe people who do these progressive scheduling routines are nuts, each child will develop his or her own pattern and the parent must go with the flow. Hold them, love them, be there no matter what, they will be wonderful children as they grow.

Don't ever let any baby scream himself into an exhausted sleep because you think it's time for them to be asleep, that is cruel! Hold them when they cry, they are babies and they need you. Ferberizing is the meanest thing I have ever heard of!

I believe children need routines and love to do things the same way each day, it's soothing for them, but really little ones need, most of all, to be held and loved and cuddled. Later when they are great big kids in elementary school and they still want to cuddle with you at bedtime and they still love you to pieces even though you are so uncool, you will know you did the right thing to hold them, and hold them, and hold them!!! And I mean both Mom and Dad, kids who know they are really loved will do so well, I promise.

Sorry to go on and on, but nothing is more important!

[Samantha]

There is no "national safe haven law". Individual states have laws regarding this topic. Hawaii does not currently have a safe haven law, and neither dose Washington, DC. It's really important the you be accurate in this excellent blog

[Jen]

My son Maddox is a Safe Haven baby. Thank you for posting about it...not enough people know that there is an option to dumping your newborn in a dumpster or in the woods! Maddox and I have appeared on tv and at Safe Haven events to try and help get the word out there and will continue to do so until all babies are safe!

[cat]

Hi Samantha,
Thanks for reading, and writing in.

Indeed, each state has it's own Safe Haven legislation. However, according to Tim Jacard, President of the National Safe Haven Alliance in Washington, DC, the good news is that all 50 states do indeed have Safe Haven laws in effect (Hawaii was passed in January, and Nebraska passed in February).

You are correct that, ironically, DC is still finalizing the details of it's legislation, and Tim's hope is that the law will be finalized there by the end of summer.

I'm sorry for any confusion.

Thanks so much, cat

[Julie]

Samantha wrote:

There is no "national safe haven law". Individual states have laws regarding this topic. Hawaii does not currently have a safe haven law, and neither dose Washington, DC. It's really important the you be accurate in this excellent blog

I found a helpful website:
nationalsafehavenalliance.org

[Jen]

I can't imagine losing my child....my mind won't even wrap around that thought...

[cat]

A Note to Everyone Who's Been Writing In:

Hi All,
Just want to thank you for sharing your personal stories, child rearing opinions, and research. All of what you write is interesting and valuable.
I feel like we're really building a cool, vibrant community here, and I'm very grateful!
Truly, thanks so much - cat

[Jen]

Yes you can breastfeed a child who you adopt. BUT! DO NOT LET ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU MUST DO SO IN ORDER TO BOND TO YOUR CHILD!

I adopted my son at birth. I did not breastfeed him. We couldn't be any more bonded than we are!

(I just don't want anyone to try guilting you into doing anything that you don't want to do. People who have never adopted sometimes think that you can't have the same bond with a child you didn't give birth to or didn't breastfeed. I assure you: They are wrong!).

[Nancy B]

Re breastfeeding an adopted child: I had trouble breastfeeding both my natural children. Baby one, my whole day revolved around my breastpump, which a lovely la leche lady rented to me, it was the real deal, fortunately I was not working at the time. My son and I tried so hard and finally gave up and went to formula, the poor baby actually lost weight when I was trying to mix breast and bottle in the very early days! My second child was a natural suckler, I was loaded with milk, but she was highly allergic to breast milk, literally stopped breathing!, yes, that can happen...and we went right to the soy formula for her.

If you want to devote your entire existence to getting breast milk to your child, go for it, looking at this link, they are certainly not realistic about the hours and hours all day and night you will have to devote to this if your body is not already geared up for it. Both my children wound up as formula babies because the breast feeding did not work out, I felt horribly guilty and sad and many people want you to feel like a terrible mother when you don't breast feed. But as an adoptive mommy you really don't have to go through that guilt! My children are bright, healthy and wonderful, I held them and loved them endlessly. Spend your time hugging your baby and holding him or her close to you while they take the bottle. Your precious, fleeting infant-time together should be spent enjoying each other, not forcing that sweet wobbly fuzzy little head to latch onto a breast that's not giving the poor baby enough milk to thrive on--and you will have to supplement anyway!!!