My husband's affair is killing me

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Pam

Gibbon, NE

#1 Nov 29, 2009
I'm 46 and my husband had an affair with a 31 year old "girl". I'm devastated, a non-human because of this! What do I do?

Since: Oct 09

United States

#2 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
I'm 46 and my husband had an affair with a 31 year old "girl". I'm devastated, a non-human because of this! What do I do?
Well, either stay and be miserable or leave him to his selfishness and make a new beginning for yourself.
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#3 Nov 29, 2009
It's so complicated though. IMy husband and I have a business together, and our son wants to join. The business needs another partner, and I have worked my whole life to be able to do this for my son. I feel like I will be throwing away 25 years of hard work and sacrifice. I am so angry! This is a small town thing we are talking about, everywhere I go she is there. I want out so bad but I have to think of my son.

Since: Oct 09

United States

#4 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
It's so complicated though. IMy husband and I have a business together, and our son wants to join. The business needs another partner, and I have worked my whole life to be able to do this for my son. I feel like I will be throwing away 25 years of hard work and sacrifice. I am so angry! This is a small town thing we are talking about, everywhere I go she is there. I want out so bad but I have to think of my son.
I had to leave a long term relationship that was verbally abusive. I couldn't let go but when I finally did, it felt good. If you divorced, part of that money from the business would be yours. So everyone knows about her? Staying makes you look like the blind fool. Your son will always be there. If you wanna go, take that leap of faith.

“"drive for five in'10"”

Since: Jan 07

Your the Man!

#5 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
It's so complicated though. IMy husband and I have a business together, and our son wants to join. The business needs another partner, and I have worked my whole life to be able to do this for my son. I feel like I will be throwing away 25 years of hard work and sacrifice. I am so angry! This is a small town thing we are talking about, everywhere I go she is there. I want out so bad but I have to think of my son.
Have you talked to your son to get his take on this situation?
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#6 Nov 29, 2009
Everyone knows about this affair, and I DO look like a fool! My husband is thinking with his penis only. I have been a good wife and mother. He says I'm just not exciting, and she makes him feel young. How can I compete with that? My son knows the whole story, but I hate to put him in the middle. None of this is his fault. Oh if only people would realize the ripple effects their "fun" has on so many people. She is also married, and her 2 children are suffering too.

“"drive for five in'10"”

Since: Jan 07

Your the Man!

#7 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
Everyone knows about this affair, and I DO look like a fool! My husband is thinking with his penis only. I have been a good wife and mother. He says I'm just not exciting, and she makes him feel young. How can I compete with that? My son knows the whole story, but I hate to put him in the middle. None of this is his fault. Oh if only people would realize the ripple effects their "fun" has on so many people. She is also married, and her 2 children are suffering too.
Well dear, the first thing you need to do is stop feeling like a fool and get angry. Get mad. If he thinks she makes him feel young he's the fool. I wish you well with love, peace and happiness,J48

Since: Mar 09

AOL

#8 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
Everyone knows about this affair, and I DO look like a fool! My husband is thinking with his penis only. I have been a good wife and mother. He says I'm just not exciting, and she makes him feel young. How can I compete with that? My son knows the whole story, but I hate to put him in the middle. None of this is his fault. Oh if only people would realize the ripple effects their "fun" has on so many people. She is also married, and her 2 children are suffering too.
You can come out of this with dignity, go see a divorce attorney. don't know if small town equals, conservative christian values, but if it does, the bible says death and adultry are the two ways to get out of a marriage. You don't have to stay with an adulterer.

I think you should take it step by step, see a lawyer, ask about, everything from counseling to separation to divorce. Tell your husband you have seen a lawyer, ask if he wants to give up the woman and go to counseling with you. If no, then seek separtion or divorce. You really have to be strong and protect yourself. If your son loves you he will understand.
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#9 Nov 29, 2009
I thank all of you who are responding to me. I feel I have no voice. I want so much to be free, yet my mother instinct makes me stay for the well-being of my son. Does anyone understand this?

“"drive for five in'10"”

Since: Jan 07

Your the Man!

#10 Nov 29, 2009
Pam, I agree with Kyro. You have more power than you think. You take the lead in this and give him the ultimatums. But don't make any decisions out of anger or weakness.
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#11 Nov 29, 2009
Also wanted to add, if you don't understand small town, I will tell you about it. If you are from somewhere like I am speaking of, you can do no wrong. I married a man from small town, I'm a transplant here. Even though I have been here 25 years, I'm still an "outsider". The mistress and my husband are both from this miserable place. It's a sick societal thing, and don't let anyone tell you that small towns are inviting and nice. They are closed minded and take care of their own

“"drive for five in'10"”

Since: Jan 07

Your the Man!

#12 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
I thank all of you who are responding to me. I feel I have no voice. I want so much to be free, yet my mother instinct makes me stay for the well-being of my son. Does anyone understand this?
Pam, yes I do. How old is your son?

Since: Mar 09

AOL

#13 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
I thank all of you who are responding to me. I feel I have no voice. I want so much to be free, yet my mother instinct makes me stay for the well-being of my son. Does anyone understand this?
If your son is over 18 you have to trust that he was raised well enough to stand up to this as an adult.

If your son is still a minor, I can understand your feelings, this is something you will need to ask your attorney about.

Since: Mar 09

AOL

#14 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
Also wanted to add, if you don't understand small town, I will tell you about it. If you are from somewhere like I am speaking of, you can do no wrong. I married a man from small town, I'm a transplant here. Even though I have been here 25 years, I'm still an "outsider". The mistress and my husband are both from this miserable place. It's a sick societal thing, and don't let anyone tell you that small towns are inviting and nice. They are closed minded and take care of their own
Also look for job prospects in a close by large city. No need to live and work in the "miserable place".
Feminist

Buffalo, NY

#15 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
Also wanted to add, if you don't understand small town, I will tell you about it. If you are from somewhere like I am speaking of, you can do no wrong. I married a man from small town, I'm a transplant here. Even though I have been here 25 years, I'm still an "outsider". The mistress and my husband are both from this miserable place. It's a sick societal thing, and don't let anyone tell you that small towns are inviting and nice. They are closed minded and take care of their own
These attitudes exist everywhere, not just in small towns. People can be very petty. Since you are not from the area it may be best to get out. Do you have anyone to confide in and support you there? I hope so. Before you take any steps, is your husband asking for a divorce? He's hit male menopause mid-lfe crisis, makes him feel young, maybe she's his "soulmate."

Since: Oct 09

United States

#16 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
Everyone knows about this affair, and I DO look like a fool! My husband is thinking with his penis only. I have been a good wife and mother. He says I'm just not exciting, and she makes him feel young. How can I compete with that? My son knows the whole story, but I hate to put him in the middle. None of this is his fault. Oh if only people would realize the ripple effects their "fun" has on so many people. She is also married, and her 2 children are suffering too.
Oh she makes him feel young? What happens when t ramp gets tired of him? Is he going to have the option to reach out for you? You can't have your cake and eat it too. I feel very sorry for those children. I learned when you become a parent everything you do, affects them. If everyone knows, then do the parents of the schoolmates know? Do they talk about it in front of them? Whoa, what if they made fun of the two kids and said "We heard you're mother is a homewrecker." To be nice. There are some choices he is going to have to make. Don't let him have it both ways.

Since: Oct 09

United States

#17 Nov 29, 2009
Pam wrote:
I thank all of you who are responding to me. I feel I have no voice. I want so much to be free, yet my mother instinct makes me stay for the well-being of my son. Does anyone understand this?
Yes. My husband is not cheating on me but is still a little boy that does not want to grow up. He thinks playing on sports teams all year round, going to Foot Ball games and Watching his favorite teams religously are his life. He very good to our son but does not put the time in that he needs to. Then me, if he is preoccupied by sports all year round, where does that leave me? Its been 3 years and things are a teeny weeny bit better. Sometimes I feel I married him for the sake of Tristan and not mine. I was in love with my husband at one time. He has agreed to go to counseling with me but will that work? I am like you, sitting on my hands. I could leave and let him wallow in sports all day long. He would be happy as can be and maybe find someone else one day. But I have a son, I am worried about whether or not someone would be good enough to be around my son. It's choices. They are hard as h ell. Do you want to be with someone who makes you cry and humiliates you? Sacrifices have to be made sometimes. Sometimes you just have to close you eyes and take the leap of faith. I have done it before and it is scary but sometimes it was the right thing to do.
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#18 Nov 29, 2009
I wish that I could get my anger to leave, but it just hangs over me all the time. He says he wants to work things out with me. but I catch him texting and calling her. It's not a coincidence that she is every where we go.

Since: Oct 09

United States

#19 Nov 30, 2009
Pam wrote:
I wish that I could get my anger to leave, but it just hangs over me all the time. He says he wants to work things out with me. but I catch him texting and calling her. It's not a coincidence that she is every where we go.
That doesn't sound like working things out. I think you will know when you have had enough. Wouldn't it be nice to be free from him and be your own person. You won't have to worry about who is doing what. Then maybe, someone might walk into your life that's the person you have wanted your whole life. He is not going stop as long as he is allowed to continue what he is doing without any consequences. You said she's married? If her husband found out that your husband is having an affair with her, he could sue your husband. That financial damgage would affect both of you.
Pam

Gibbon, NE

#20 Nov 30, 2009
Her husband does know. He has responded by seeking me out publicly and telling me in front of people that I am not woman enough to keep my man. He has threatened to kill my husband, and has basically drug my name through the mud. I have no dignity left. In the meantime, he spends extravagant amounts of money on her to keep her. Whatever her heart desires, she gets. She is living the high life! She is an uneducated, unmotivated, immature person. She never even finished high school because she became pregnant. She has, however, learned how to get whatever she wants by flirting and flaunting herself. She is a very pretty girl and has been blessed with very large breasts. I'm sure all you women understand the positiion that leaves me in. I'm a college educated woman, I'm 46, and I never learned how to flirt or flaunt. I am-according to my husband-boring. I was always secure with myself until this happened. Now I don't know who I am. I have lost my identity because I feel like everything good I have ever done didn't mean a thing when this person came into our lives. I look in the mirror and I hate myself because I can't compete with this woman on any level that is important to my husband. Even if I do divorce him, there has been so much damage done to me I don't know if I can get back on my feet or not. I hope anyone considering having an affair will read what I write and think about all the other people who will be hurt if they choose to go down that path.

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